Relationships & Marriage in 19th Century England's Upper-Middle Class

"The Wedding" by John Forrest, 1855 (5)

What Was It Like To Be Romanced In 19th Century England?

    It is an understatement to say how we approach romantic relationships has changed over the last few centuries. Of course, some things never truly change, but there were a lot more social rules to be had during the 1800s—especially for women—that would seem bizarre in many parts of the world today. However, this era turned the tide and opened a door for what is now modern romance, such as the concept of "love at first sight." 

A couple being chaperoned, 1865 (6)

Courtship & Its Rules

    Courtship was a big deal back then, and there was a certain way one had to go about it to secure themselves a proper future. Instead of the modern phrase "dating", the term of that period was "courting." To court could be compared to the modern day "talking stage", because as soon as the courting was fulfilled they would move right on to engagement. A couple would average about nine months or so in the courting phase before engagements were arranged (3).

Whilst courting, a man and woman were never allowed to be alone together. This was because their families, mainly the woman's, did not want them having pre-marital sex. If the woman were to get pregnant before marriage, her reputation and worth as a bride would be dragged through the mud. Even letters were checked by the families to make such preventions. 

For a woman of the upper class, she would be introduced to her potential suitors through high-class events such as balls and dinners where they would meet men of similar class, as it was highly looked down upon to mingle romantically outside of your social class. 

Marriage & Social Rules

    Not only were there social rules within the courting sphere, the married had their own set of standards. The women of this era had a sort of social obligation to let men do everything for them, for at the time it was the general consensus that the man was the caregiver and the primary source of money. Not only that, but the husband legally "owned" his wife and had to be the one to give consent, for instance, if she wanted to write a will (4). The wife was to have children, take care of said children, and give up much of her freedom to run the home and keep her family happy. However, this is not to say marriage was never done out of love; in fact, the 19th century gave rise to marrying out of love rather than politics and wealth. 

Raising a family was still an important value, with an average of six children per couple. There was the high mortality rate for children during this era, meaning if you wanted to live a peaceful retirement you needed at least some to make it, a lot of these numbers may just come from the sheer lack of contraception at the time and all that Victorian lovin'. 

Marriage & The Law

    There were a multitude of marriage laws being enacted at the time, as well. These influenced the way wealth was moved around from spouse to spouse, divorce, and what were known as “Clandestine marriages" (2). Of course, to little surprise, most of these laws were beneficial to the men. 

For instance, the Matrimonial Causes Act of 1857 gave men the right to divorce his wife if he accuses her of cheating. However, if a woman were to want a divorce for that reason or perhaps domestic violence, it was practically impossible to do so, as it was not easy for a woman of that time to enact a divorce. Yet another instance of a woman losing her freedom to marriage and the man being the beneficiary. 

The century was not completely rife in gender inequality, because in 1882 the Married Property Act was passed and wives all over England no longer owed their husbands their wealth upon passing. This act allowed a married woman to have the same rights to her property as an unmarried woman did. Of course, this is the very bare minimum. 

As for Clandestine marriages, they were marriages that were done in secret. This was usually to hide controversial relationships, for instance involving minors. Lord Hardwicke's Act of 1753 was enacted to prevent such marriages. After this act, a marriage was only legal if it was conducted by a minister in a church. This rule did not apply to Quakers or Jewish people. Then, after the Marriage Act of 1836, non-protestants were allowed to be wed in their respective place of worship. 

Marriage Within Bram Stoker's 'Dracula'

There are two notable sides of the marriage spectrum shown in the novel, and a good portion of it is shown in Mina and Lucy's letters to each other. Mina and her fiancée Johnathan are most likely middle class, while Lucy is definitely of the upper class based on her home life and apparent wealth.

Mina and Johnathan are not married until later in the novel. Therefore, they have not had sex--because of it being taboo prior to marriage--and this results in Johnathan's hesitance during the scene with the three vampire brides and his sexual repression. Also, although she is certainly her own individual and is written as her own person outside of the relationship, Mina has a strong desire to care and provide for him. It is clear they have a deep bond and married out of love. While Johnathan was traveling on his way to Dracula's castle, he collected recipes of the food he enjoyed so that Mina may make the dishes when he's home. This follows the social norm at the time of the woman being the one who cooks all the meals in the household. 

Lucy's situation is different from Mina's in that she had several potential suitors before getting engaged to Arthur. It is to be assumed she was courting these men, or at least the three of note, all at the same time. She enjoyed spending time with each but could only truly devote her heart to one, even though she wished she could marry all three. It is something to note that the character of a higher class--Lucy Westenra--is detailed to have several options and wanting to have them all, while the character of a relatively lower class--Mina Harker--was solely devoted to the one. It was more common for a woman of higher class to have more potential suitors, due to having more opportunities to meet them. Middle and lower class people were usually introduced through family friends or neighbors.

All In All...

Marriage was a much different process than what many of us are used to today, not to mention engagement after mere months of knowing each other. But, while we may not be aristocrats in 19th century England, we still have that familiar sense of romance and companionship and an ongoing battle against gender stereotypes. 

Works Cited

Simkin, John. “Marriage In The 19th Century.” Spartacus Educational, Spartacus Educational, Jan. 2020, spartacus-educational.com/Wmarriage.htm. (1)

Owen, Emily. “Marriage Laws and Elopement in Nineteenth-Century England.” Emily Owen, www.e-owen.uk/b/marriage-laws-and-elopement-in-19th-century-england. Accessed 24 Mar. 2025. (2)

Loewen-Clarke, Ayda. “Date like a Victorian: Courtship and Romance in the Victorian Era.” Dalnavert Museum, Dalnavert Museum, 12 Feb. 2021, www.friendsofdalnavert.ca/blog/2021/2/12/date-like-a-victorian-courtship-and-romance-in-the-victorian-era. (3)

Wood, Margaret. “Marriage and Divorce 19th Century Style: In Custodia Legis.” The Library of Congress, 23 Feb. 2018, blogs.loc.gov/law/2018/02/marriage-and-divorce-19th-century-style/#:~:text=A%20couple%20could%20only%20be,passed%20in%20Parliament%20each%20year. (4)

Haddad, Ann. “The Wedding ‘Whirl and Vortex:’ Mid-19th Century Wedding Preparations.” Merchant’s House Museum, 18 May 2018, merchantshouse.org/blog/wedding-preparations/. (5)

Betts, Charlotte. “Courtship and Weddings (Women and Marriage in the Victorian and Edwardian Eras - Part 1).” Charlotte Betts, 31 July 2020, www.charlottebetts.com/courtship-and-weddings-women-and-marriage-in-the-victorian-and-edwardian-eras-part-1/. (6)